Pilgrim

"Really, Im looking for something serious!!!" I said
"Yeah right, you chicken" you disagreed
"Seriously, Im ready to get married tomorrow!!!!"
"Keep on talking, sister! You're never ready."
"Hey, at Grad 4, i mentioned it in my composition ' MY AMBITION IS TO BECOME A BRIDE!!!'. On the other hands, those who said they wanna be doctors, lawyers, or what else, they all ended up being someones' wives "
"THAT'S BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T CARRY ON THEIR DREAMS......" you laughed.
"So.....let's conclude that i am serious about my future!!!"
"No, that's totally different things"
"Come on, you shall introduce some decent GOOD men, and you will see"
"Damn it, how dare you said i never did! Remember AAA, what did you say about him?"
"Erm, he stared at me !!!"
"And BBB? "
"Come on, his EXs look so bitchy. You can see how bad his taste was...or probably still is bad!"
"Right, and CCC?"
"Too young...."
"Bullshit, 2 DAYS younger!!!!"
"Whatever!!!"
"Then will you marry me?"
"I got to go!!!"
"Chicken!!!"
"Amen!"

..........................Another day.........................

"How is you Love life? " You broke the silence
"With my supervisor........still and firm!!!" I said!
"How is your future husband?"
"Not yet born"
"I am thinking of introducing you a nice Dutch guy."
"Why not Italian, since you are there??"
"Noooooo! Italian aint good, Dutch is nicer and better."
"Come on! That's because Dutchs are stupid!!!"
"..............."
"Sorry, again too honest for my own sake!"
"Want it or not?"
"No! I don't wanna hear someone coughing his throat out all day !"
"You are gonna die alone!"
"blah blah blah....."

.................................Another day...............................

"Actually, I've been thinking how come you can stay single?" you said.
"Shoot...that aint a question!" i answered
"You are a chicken!"
"That isn't news....say something new!"
"What exactly you want?"
"I want PRINCE CHARMING....."
"Okay, you like frogs!"
"......................"
"It's okay, we all like frogs, only i like it fried!!"
"......................"

...............................Another day..................................

"No more love issues asked!" I stop your curiosity
"Excuser!!" you said
"No, I am not!"
"Then tell me what exactly you have been busy?"
"Being busy...."
".................."

..............................Another day................................

"Why didn't you go for the farewell party?" you asked in a dreadful tone.
"I didn't want to lie!" I said.
"What's the lie about?"
"If i ever said 'Im gonna miss you'..."
"............"

(To be continued...)

"You slow down your progress, what happened?" THE Boss asked.
"Well, I had been this and that, then this and that..." I answered.
"..............." he stuttered.
"..............." I smiled.

"I never ask anyone of you to tell me your life, but from now on, you have to..."
"Huh?"
"Not detail, but you need to let me know where you go, who you see, what you do." he added.
"But...."
"Yes, I have to know!"

Hours of discussion later...

"Are you really that into relationship?"
"Hmm..."
"Well, you are aware of there are extremely scarce research about it?"
"I've noticed, it's going to be tough, but I love my subject."
(lots debate, discussion, and personal issues sharing)
"So, i wish you seriously think of it"
"I screwed up my own relationship indeed, but it doesn't mean I can't face it and get my research done!?"
"I know you can, but at this moment, you need to be sure."
"Inner conflict?"
"well, if it's still going with the phenomenological approach, there will be!"
"............."
"Textual approach works too"
"............."
"Come with your decision, and I'll see you next Friday!"
"I will think about it"
"Take care, and make sure you let me know YOUR LIFE"
"Thank you, i will try"

I know there is always easy way out, less painful alternative.
But what if that is something Ive longed for, shall i give up like that?
In 7 days, A decision has to be made.

Mom~ Happy Birthday.
There are things i never said, maybe because i was just so headstrong, so pretended, but you must know I Love you, even cross oceans. You are the coolest mom i could never expect anyone better. I LOVE YOU!!!!

People they are meant to be together always find their ways in the end.

I can clearly remember, in the winter of 2007, I visited the Baafskathedral, the Cathedral of the town-- Ghent, in Belgium. In there, i shared one of my thoughts of maybe being baptised with a friend.
"Recently lost friendships, love or what?" he so replied.
Indeed, why i even thought of that? By the time, i was content, satisfied with whatever i had in my life.
Though i must admit whenever i got stuck in my study or some personal issues, sitting in our humble Cathedral always comforts me and calms me down.
I love the smell of our Cathedral and its peacefully quite environment, that help me thinking.
But that could be very lame for the reason of being baptised.

Few months later, I heard the story from a friend. She turned herself into a extreme religionist simply because of losing the relationship.

Things kept on happening, more and more friends started looking for The Faith.
Some are forced to have a religion because of maybe better future.
Some are simply because they enjoy having a faith to lean on.
Some are using religion as a passive way to escape from reality.

For me, having a religion could be easy, could be somehow very hard.
Sounds like a paradox, doesn't it?

Maybe, meats are just too good to give up, even for a religion, a faith.
So, I can never be a buddhist, or Taoism .
Being a Catholic or Christian may appeal to me, since I can still have my meaty meal and occasional drink.
However, the problem is, I believe in Mazu--the Goddess of pilgrim more than i believe in Jesus.

Therefore, it leads me to think of this, "Is having A religion a necessity?"
Do we have to live within a certain religion?
If religions brings us inner worth, peace and fulfillment, then why we have to choose?
To choose a side to stand, to believe, to live with?
The question remains unsolved.

I may be a atheism, but i respect all religions, and their followers.

I leave it blank and let the music tell.

If i could simplify everything as you did.
I would tell you I want to be with you regardless of whatsoever.
I lied myself to see if there is anything else could distract my heart from feeling towards you, i was so wrong.
If I could blind myself from those obvious difficulties.
I would tell you I want to love you regardless of whatsoever.

I swore to God long ago that i will wait for you till I'm 30.
And i will keep my promise.

We never argued when we were face to face.
If i have to have any form of relationship, i want the one holds my hands will still be you.

The truth is, i may not yet understand what I want, who I am looking for.
But you are where my thoughts go hiding. You are the every comfort I could ask for.
I miss you, and your firm shoulder that i always feel safe to rest on.
You are the first person i wish to share my joy with.
You are the one i wish to tell my sadness with whenever i am down.
I could have been through all the things because i knew you care about me.

It took me quite a long while to learn this, to bless is also called love.
So my dear, go and look for your happiness.
You have my love, my blessing, and I wish you to be happy with or without me.

You asked me, what you are so angry at and why?
I say: How could I ever not to be angry??

This is the era when people stop thinking serious but only having fun and enjoying the "moments".
Hey, life is about more than 50 years, sometimes 60 to 80 if you are lucky.

Children are expected less, no more chronological history but only blogging or twitter.
No more beautiful minds and lovely poet, but saturday nights crazy parties.
Nobody even bothers to spell words right or speak properly.
No more responsibility to whatever matter to one or others, works or even simply one's life.
Wasting time gossip, talking absolutely nonsense are becoming main theme of one's life.
No ones even cares there are people suffering in certain part of world? Even worse, more and more people don't even know there are other countries apart from the one they are living.

Tell me, with all those filthy fact, how could I not to be angry!?
I am angry, because lots of people like me had long noticed but just let it get worse.
I am angry, because if we, as society expect us to be, don't pay attention and find the way to improve, what would our next generation would be like?
I am angry, because I'm still holding the hopes.

If God ever gave me a special gift, I believe that is my thought.
Sometimes, I wonder, why people have to suffer to write a touched story?

I thought it over and over again, and I realised, the touched part wasn't the story itself, but the feelings and strongest affection which underpinned the whole story. We suffer because we complicate things. We ache because of the endless loop of being in confusion. If logic has overwhelmed our minds, we become heartless which as human-beings, as "persons", we have had been scared of turning into it. We feel, because we are not just as a human being which only requires basic conditions to survive but as a person who needs to be completed with a variety of needs, which of course emotional, physical, psychological and so on.

Whatever happens in our daily life, it has reasons. Because we are so afraid of seeing the truth, accepting reality, and confronting difficulties, we tend to complicate things, and so we run with a suffering heart.

Things could have been extremely easy, as the computing language as basic psychological principles, it is a none-or-all world.

To simplify, to understand, we are animals indeed, but the rational ones.

It was as well November in 1999, I broke my heart.
9 years later, still in November, same reasons were delivered to break my heart.
But why can't I cry?
I believed i would be sad, I thought i wouldn't be fine in a day or two.
But now i am here, being rational, calm, and functioning, why?
I slept, i woke up, i came to office and I worked.
Things stay how they used to be, only I re-become alone.
It is indeed a funny note to state, being alone as before or as after it happened?
I was alone, I am alone, to explore it deeper, there is nothing has ever changed.
So I joke, i laugh.
If life is supposed to be as weather, I will wait for rainbow after rain!

I don't blame, I don't hate, I am taking it just as I used to be.

I am indeed, as they said, a woman too calm to be held.